Monday, July 31, 2006
The Ultimate Caravan..
Greetings of Peace from my being x x
So here we go, in less that 12 hours we are due to meet at the airport. How do I feel?
Unlike the trivial entry I wrote a few days ago I feel very numbed down.
I have so many thoughts running through my head, that I fear the inability to comprehend clearly in this entry. Forgive me therefore my friends if much of this doesn't make sense.
My dad makes me laugh, he also makes me sense the deep responsibility that rests on the shoulders of a father.. and mother. He called me to him yesterday and said:
"Look I know you think you know everything, and everything there is to know..
But listen -
Whenever you get to Mecca, I want you to,
as soon as you see the Kabah, to make a prayer for yourself first.. and for your own health."
I looked at him puzzled and said:
"But dad you know we are taught to make a prayer asking for all our other prayers to be accepted?!"
Dad got upset and said:
"See you never listen to me, fine go ahead - spend all your time then, making prayers for others! You never listen to me!"
Sweet eh :-)
But it is the second time since knowing about the Rihla course that he has asked me to forget about the world and remember only myself.
I look at mum and dad and think to myself: how much they love unconditionally. When the world rejects me I know my folks are still there. I can argue a thousand times with them both in one day and I still know they will be there for me.
And that is why I feel even more scared about this whole course. I feel I owe it to bring back some goodness so I may relate it to them. A sense of responsibility I have towards them. I have blogged before that I never saw anyone pray in my household as a child, and the whole journey towards religion was a big step. But the first one to support me when I started prayer was my mum who said to me: "Once you start, don't stop."
Those words were the best advice anyone has ever given me regarding my prayers.
As I sit here, I think about my parents and how our bonds grew as they held my hand when we first saw the Kabah 3 years ago, as they held my hand when we gaited in the spirit of our Mother Hagar, and as they held my being when we visited the Prophets' Illuminating dwelling.
It has been a long hard 3 and a half years but essentially it has been a time for reflection and a time which has had in it alot of success for me aswell as alot of misery.. outwardly.
The ultimate caravan then is setting out two-fold. On the one hand there is the huge study element and the burden of responsibility I feel as a student. For once we know - we are more accountable. Didn't they say ignorance is a bliss?
On the other hand, I think of those 2 Holy Cities and feel literally like a beggar today.. Stripped off everything I believed defined my world. I never believed I would ever get an opportunity to study in this manner, and I never ever believed that I would go back to those Sanctuaries in this state.
So, if none of this made sense - it was not meant to.
These were, afterall, the words of a dreamer dreaming on.
Please forgive me for my many cyber and real-life errors, and please accept from me my many thanks for everything you folk have done for me. I request your prayers -
Until next time -
Fee Aman Allah, and may God Almighty protect us all.
Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam x x
PS - Please spare prayers for the 6 people who kindly contributed towards half of the cost to this trip.
Hajj Reflections -
In The City Of The Prophet
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Sunday, July 30, 2006
In the last 10 days or so I have been thinking again about disability. I mean I do think about disability more than I used to before, however a couple of incidences have happened which have kinda made me look at it again.
It dawned upon me that many organisations are still not properly equipped with dealing with disability in the hands and / or elbows. Sadly though, my own interpretation of life events is that hand-related disability will increase in the future. Already I know a number of individuals with similar problems to myself. Scary yes – but the truth of the matter is that it is only coming to surface now.. and have our employers fully equipped themselves for this new disability?Employers have a duty to employ people with disabilities in capacities which don’t aggravate the disability. A duty to acknowledge that people like myself do have a disability and thus we should not be asked to face scenarios which would result in a detriment of our health any further. My own suggestion is that more and more jobs working with IT should have at least 10% provision to include a Pen and Tablet alternative aswell as more ergonomic keyboards. This is only a humble amount considering many organisations don’t even have one pen and tablet set!
On another note I visited a museum yesterday which has those awful rotating kind of doors (I’m not even sure what they are called).. I cannot use those doors as it is very difficult to push them, so I asked for the disability access door to be opened. The only problem was – this was a door which one had to ‘push’ open too!
And then whilst looking at the exhibit I noticed many items in glass cases with labels faced downwards as opposed to hung upright.. only that they were like 4 foot above the ground – and I thought: How in the world is someone in a wheelchair supposed to read what this archive is?
I mean is disability provision only limited to widening our entrances and aisles?
Because it shouldn’t be.
Space and buildings should be accommodating of the variety of disabilities. One of the greatest disability that we don’t even speak of in our communities is the disability we often don’t clearly see: mental health problems.
How do people who are recovering from mental illness cope and get about? What do you think someone with mental health problems looks like? What are your stereotypes of people with mental health problems? Do you think you will ‘catch’ depression from them? Do you fear people with mental health problems? Do you know that there is a whole spectrum of conditions which is classified as mental illness? Or are you someone who doesn’t believe that depression is true?
I think we have to ask ourselves these questions because we live in an ever-complex world. We don’t know what life has stored for us. I continue to sit here and think about disability and about how many more heavy doors I may have to push open…
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Saturday, July 29, 2006
Update From Camel-Land!
Well, remember the fiasco with the bloodtest? Remind yourself.
I had my results come through and all is absolutely fine! Alhamdulila! Praise to God! So why am I still feeling tired then? Amazing eh..
I thought to myself - this just proves again that there is a Greater Force at work and that we are limited in what we know, and what we are allowed to know. If I am meant to feel tired - it doesn't matter how much poking investigations go on, we should expect that we may never know the cause.
This means that we can only try, and we should try - to find causes and cures for wellbeing.. but we should not concern ourself with the results of our efforts. Essentially it is our Creator who is looking after us, if He so wills He can extend or shorten the duration of our experiences: good and bad.
I had an interview for an alternative post at work.. no I didn't secure it. Due to 'employer loyalty' I can't say why I didn't get it. But we now have another mega big panel meeting in September.
SUPER CONFIDENT - NOT
This is getting real bad. And I just don't know how to address it. I know it will only get better through time and that hopefully it is best not to worry too much about it.. but more comments from people about my health and looking unwell are not helping! Actually, today our young friend did say I had tanned :-) So I was happy as that means I am NOT sickly yellow!
I know people are genuinely concerned about me but I don't think they are realising the adverse affects it is having on my sense of control on my life. I feel absolutely disempowered; guilty almost for not being the fit and healthy Bint-eh Adam they have seen in the past. I realise that many of these people have not seen me in ages and that they are my well-wishers - and that they are not doing anything 'morally wrong' in stating their observations to me
It makes me feel really awful, upset and sad.
And that I can't help.
I spoke to my mate Jules (I've mentioned her before somewhere - shes the crazy one who got me in touch with BBC and then ran off to Goa with the students!) and between us we kind of came up with a mechanism of responding.. which I hope to use the next time I am faced with having to justify myself for looking the way I do. You see, my big issue is that I don't see why I should justify myself to people when people make comments regards my frail being. Why should I?
It is from God Almighty.
And how much do I justify? Do I tell them that it has been several years since I last fasted as a result of my health? Actually, it has been that long I cannot even clearly remember the year I last fasted.. Do I tell them that I used to fast regularly come rain or shine on Monday and Thursdays when the fasts would close at 3.30am and open at 9pm?
Do I tell them how it feels to be cut off from focusing your energies in other directions and instead having to constantly worry about your health, energy levels and wellbeing.. for years? Or do I tell them how it feels like to tell all your colleagues that you don't fast at lunch time?
As I said, I know these are my well-wishers and not asking me to upset me. And I am sure this is another experience that I am supposed to learn something from: something about me: something about the world. But I am not coping too well in handling this situation - I just smile and get very embarrassed and have the 'paused' pose on my face as if I am a video being played and then suddenly a remote control presses the button down.
I have some final few pieces which are on sale. But I'm just thinking now, I don't even have the energy to blog them up - I may just do that before going away(?)
CLEANING AGENT BINT
I have cleaned out my room and wow - there was sooooo much space under my bed once I re-arranged the things ;-) Ain't that just amazing? It took me a good few days to clean my room - but I did it. Do you remember the last time I had a through clean-out? That was a big saga :-/
Yes things are not too bad!
Peace & Prayers
Good Night x x
*artwork: Circles of Knowledge artwork on Sandalas: July 2006
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Friday, July 28, 2006
Pink Hippo Theory Arrives at Camel-Land!
The Where You Are Positioned Theory –
The Magic Wand Theory was about viewing the world –
Now here comes the theory of Positions, which hopefully will help address why so many of us argue and come to misunderstand one another.
To aid me, these 3 fellas have gracefully put their reputations at risk and are hoping to assist in illustrating my points.
The Pink Hippo, Green Lion and Grey Bear are 3 unique individuals. Each has a position in the world like all of us. They also have physical positions.
The Pink Hippo stands in front and sees things that his vision can encompass. The Green Lion sees what lies before him, and also a little of what is in the vision of the Pink Hippo to the right. Similarly the Grey Bear sees what is in front of him with the addition of what is left of the Pink Hippo.
The Pink Hippo has the best view as he is able to see a little of what is on the left and a little of what is to the right. In other words he is able to get a taste of what both the Green Lion and the Grey Bear see.
In comparison, the Green Lion and the Grey Bear both see different things. In other words they are unable to see one another’s’ worlds.
Some of us may be in the position of the Pink Hippo where we are able to understand the ‘other’ person moreso. And some of us may be in the positions that the Green Lion and Grey Bear are in: each unable to see the others’ point of view.
However, a question which is important to ask is:
Is it the fault of individuals to be in the positions that they are in? Are they not put into their positions by fate itself? One may argue that there is no blame on people for not understanding one another as fate is responsible for what experiences of life they have had. However, that would also lead to the “Lets blame God for our condition” route – which I don’t believe is correct or healthy.
God Almighty has given us the intellect to reason, and the ability to decide how best to deal with situations. It is not healthy for us to disown our actions. We must take ownership and responsibility of our actions. So why then, one argues does the Green Lion not turn round and see what Grey Bear is saying?
It is very simple:
Green Lion is stuck firmly to face in that direction. He is glued there.
This glue needs a long long time to dry and peel off so that Green Lion can turn to see Grey Bear.
One may sympathise with Green Lions’ condition and the fact that glue is hard binding stuff. But what about the Grey Bear? Surely he could turn around and bring himself closer in view of the Green Lion? What is his excuse?
That’s simple too.
He is also glued down.
This is not any different from our positions in the many scenarios we find ourselves debating in. We often find that human beings are so glued to their positions, their world-view and their understanding of the world.
Going back to the point above: Is it the fault of individuals to be in the positions that they are in?
This just comes to show how complex human behaviour is. Nothing stays the same, we are all subject to change in the not too distant future.
One may ask what is the way forward: Do we just continue arguing and justify peoples’ cold behaviour towards us by saying they are glued to their positions?
This is something for us all to ponder upon, as we are all responsible to some degree at remaining stuck down when we needed to unglue ourselves. Here are a couple of suggestions:
When Grey Bear and Green Lion fail to understand one another – it is because they cannot see one another’s concerns, issues and points of view. They need to acknowledge that at the present moment they cannot see one another’s’ concerns, issues and points of view! Acknowledgement is essential. They also need to remember that the glue which is preventing them is not permanent. Yep it is the cheapy type. However the longer they sit there, the glue won’t get any easier to peel away. Thus it is imperative on them both to begin to lift themselves up steadily. (Green Lion should ensure his tail doesn’t knock the Pink Hippo in the process otherwise he will have additional problems with him).
As I said before I am a believer of Change, and the Holy Text speaks of the possibility and permanency of Change too.
I have come to know many people in the positions of Grey Bear and Green Lion who just don’t understand one another anymore. There are also a lot of people playing in the shoes of Pink Hippo, trying relentlessly to mediate between old friends and loved ones.
Essentially, what brought on this write up a month ago… is a telephone chat I was having with a friend who has separated from her husband… we came up with reasoning as to why people cannot see the ‘other’. May God Almighty Bless her.
It is also a 'wake up' call for all of us: Life is spontaneous and very short - none has a guarantee of tomorrow. It is important for us to start peeling back the glue today.
Peace and Prayers folks x
The Camels also wanted a snapshot ;-)
The Magic Wand Theory
Peel Away The Glue Today
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Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Bint's Pre-Rihla Perplexities
Packing The Kitchen Sink
Well, for a start I am thinking about Tuesday and thinking it is so close-by but why have I not bothered packing things into the case? Then I think, aah my brother needs to get the suitcase out (since we packed all away from our Pakistan trip) - so I will ask him very soon to take one out. But what size? 20KG is all that is allowed and my mum is adamant on sending clothes for the poorer residents of Medina - good natured as she is, I don't realise why she can't give them to the local charity? But she argues that my suitcase needs to be "full".. as people who frequent Pakistan often, I am all too familiar with travelling with at least 30KG if not 50!
As for the clothes themselves... they need to be ironed! I want to just take out my clothes from that case and wear them! I hate ironing and can't justify why I should want to do that when away from home. Plus am I gonna be running around looking for an iron in my spare time or catching up on some rest? What a waste of time!
I suddenly remember that one of the dresses needs to be hemmed.. why haven't I still done that?
Drape, Drown and Disappear
I've brought a chador (piece of white cotton fabric 2yards long) to drape myself with - mum has kindly agreed to temporarily donate two of hers' aswell. Having been to Saudi before I was more happier with covering my face when we went for the Hajj: I actually used to wear a surgical mask as many pilgrims do because we went just a few days prior to the days of Hajj starting and thus had awful coughs for the next 3 weeks.
In Pakistan too, recently, I felt more comfortable that way when visiting the bazaars. And if I need to, I will cover my face whilst in Saudi. I don't wear the Niqaab (veil) as folk may have realised from the two dodgy images on the Beebs' site and I don't mainly wear the colour back either. However, as an individual, I am VERY conscious of my personal space: perhaps alot of women are(?) I'm unsure as I am not "alot of women" I am only me: Bint-eh Adam - the weird one.
But the only looming thought at the moment is: I hope others don't object to my 'part-time' veiling of the face decision. I mean my respected fellow women who wear the Niqaab everyday. I remember discussing this with a friend who is senior and she said I shouldn't really think about that, and just assess the situation and do what I feel comfortable with.
But the fact is that there have been certain situations / places in which I have felt SAFER wearing the chador: even when it's not covering my face. I hold true to the drape and drown philosophy, essentially I feel my persona drowning away from a crowdy world where folk stare in intimidating ways at the other.
I'll just have to go with that feeling, my gut instincts are there for a reason right?
Then I'm thinking about the air-flight.. what if the turbulence is really bad? What if I get a migraine?
Oh My GOD! What if I do get a migraine?!
Where will I get salted cucumbers and almonds from to relieve my headache? I'm just thinking: shall I pack some chopped cucumbers into a little lunchbox? Shall I just..
And if I do have a migraine, I will need to get into that hotel room asap and close the lights and artificial cooling-system and slap some olive oil into my hair and sleep. Yes you've got it: I shalt be packing some olive oil with me in case of emergencies! I know I sound like a freak but some say I'm actually quite "intuned" with myself ;-)
Then the migraine should be over in the next 5-10-15 hours depending upon how many of the triggering factors I am able to control ie: sight, smell, sound, temperature.. and if my bowels are really MY bowels they should conveniently help me or I should expect a bout of vomiting (which hasn't happened in a while) and thereafter I will have sound sleep; but will need a sip of boiled water every so often to get my water levels up to Bint-level again. And hopefully I should wake the next morning really refreshed with the pillow case soaked in oil.
And I'd be so embarrassed then, cos everyone would ask "How are you?" and "You better now?" and "Oh! She was the one with the migraine!" / "It was her!"
Ha aha ahaa - I know now I'm being silly right?
Studious Bint Staying Awake
That aside, my thoughts on the jam-packed classes are
but will I manage to stay awake, without a single yawn? I really will have to plan my time so carefully, so no second is wasted in hanging about. Idea: Any spare moment - Sleep!
Seriously, some people just don't understand how bad it is. I think my social-life should be pretty much non-existent. And I'd hardly have met new people as I will be sleeping all the while ;-) Joking aside, I hope that I'm not referred to as someone whose always in bed.. often we hear of pilgrims who are resting quite a bit in their hotels and some people really do make a big deal out of it.
It is as if we must be super human who stay awake 20 hours per day. I refuse to do that because I believe that my tiredness is from the Giver of all. I know I sound awful, but I also know that I have been on sick-leave for over 17 months and that my system has suffered a big setback. It won't help to over-exert myself beyond my Binty-limits!
Studying will be interesting. I hope I am able to sustain the concentration levels. I'm hoping to pack some high-energy fruit bars to snack on.. Will need to ask the organisers if I'm allowed to eat and drink in the class.. or at least drink. If I don't get my water on time that will kick another migraine and will mean missing the next day :-(
Cosy Cushions For Comfort
I feel really really bad as I am packing my cushion to take so I can rest my hand and arm on it, and also to rest my knees or back against. Is Bint just falling to bits?
I need to change my sitting position quite often whilst sitting on the floor because I get alot of stiffness in the knees. As someone whose had a poor back for over eight years - how will I survive sitting on the floor?
And my writing speed - it's like that of a kid! My pain is so spontaneous, I can go through a whole day without pain on some days and on other days, I have pain starting in the darker hours of the morn right until the next evening. I intend to take a pencil to write with and perhaps a pen or two - need to remember the sharpener, don't want to have to ask the chef for the kitchen knife to sharpen it!
Bints' Stationary Store
Speaking of the stationary department, I was hoping to pack my stapler. Us teachers we have all the stationary you can think of (and no joke I was thinking of taking some flip-chart paper!) But I don't think I will in case I knock someone with it! But yes, getting back to the stapler, well what can I say. I have this cool stapler that I've used in my teaching and I really wanna take it incase we are given extra notes.
So what is holding me back: well, its got cute cartoon stickers on it.. you know, the ones you look at and say "aaaah" yeah those type :-/
I may be ostracised for having a childish stapler - plus lots folk don't like images and if people borrow the stapler - they better not peel em off! And they better not break it! The number of times I've seen broken staplers is beyond belief! How on earth do people wreck em?!
Oh and I need to take my yellow and even pink / lime green sticky notes!
Groovy Group Dynamics
I know two words that we were taught to lurve: group dynamics :-/ though most teachers don't like too much dynamism in their classes of merry students, especially when students are so polar from one another.. throw in the next two words: personality clashes! And what do you get? A teacher with a real big headache!
Many of us have seen group dynamics in whatever capacities. On the one hand there are issues with possible personality clashes as we are all different and we have differing ways of looking at the world. We are people of experience - and no doubt we have all had some very diverse ones! I am hoping to post my theory (Pink Hippo one soon) to reassure myself that life is possible with strangers :-) and also I guess this is where Shaykh Hamza's 'Purification of the Heart' will aid me!
I may be seen as an anti-social geek but I think we need to remember that groups are also wandering places for egos :-/ And God Almighty help us all if anyone clashes with mine.
Things are really crazy at the moment. I probably sound like a goon - some truth in that ;-)
But I believe that hopefully I will be able to tackle some of these thoughts prior to going and also address where they stem from. This trip seems to be alot heavier than it appears on the outset. It is not only about going to seek Knowledge. And it is not only about visiting the Holy Lands and the grandness that they encompass. It is another episode in my life, and one which requires a certain amount of committment, dedication and seriousness from me; and by highlighting all my anxieties about it: I am hoping to free myself of the unneccessary baggage of obstacles which may prevent me from partaking fully. I am hoping that it will provide at least some answers that I seek, and help re-address the many perplexing questions about this life that have re-surfaced in my world.
This is a trivial puzzling entry - a more serious one is yet to follow.
Please Also Read:
Official Rihla Website
What is the Rihla? By Sidi Nazim Baksh & also Here
The Rihla Blog 2005
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In Peace ..
Look at my state
I've been reduced to a beggar, barely able to stand at your door
Stripped off how I define myself
What am I now?
Still perceived as something grand - I am not
Why I never thought my Call would be in such a state
Sickened and weakened
How do I take the steps of Salvation around your House?
How will my feet drag my being?
Please send angels to carry me.
Guard and Protect me
For I am so vulnerable today
Just like that day
Long time ago
Alot has changed between today and that day
When I first tasted bliss and drowned into the human sea
Did that actually happen?
I think quite hard.
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Monday, July 24, 2006
Peace & Prayers
Ina Lila Hi Wa Ina Ilai Hi Rajeun.
Smoke rises from an air stike on the village of Nabi Sheet near the eastern city of Baalbek in the Bekaa valley.
I read about post-war life in Lebanon last year when I read The Broken Cedar.. Lebanon appeared in discussions again earlier this year as the curator of the art-show at the church I exhibited my work in went there for a break.
And then we hear about Lebanon today.
Click image for words by Robert Fisk.
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Friday, July 21, 2006
I am a bird of God's garden
and I do not belong to this dusty world
For a day or two they have put me here
in this cage of my own body
I did not come here of my own
I will not return of my own
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Tuesday, July 18, 2006
It's Getting Messy In Here Yaar!
I went to the surgery again yesterday morn and Doc took my bloods himself - gosh he was so quick! He told me to take the couch, stop looking so frightened and keep on breathing! The nurse stood by my side and mum went for moral support - but before you know it he had a syringe of blood!
I'm surprised I didn't get a bravery award and fizzy lollipop actually ;-)
I was phased out most day and rested in bed - perhaps due to missing the caffiene shot in the morning? Plus because I don't fast during Ramadhan, perhaps my body found it cumbersome to not have food prior to the test? Or perhaps I'm just weird and love sleeping?
I was thinking about Reading.. and started a blog on it - which will be complete in due course and up on air thereafter!
But in the meantime man - doesn't this place look messy? Seriously - It's kinda getting a little messy yaaaar with all the piccys and so forth - I need to do something - fast!
I might just pop an image to the last ten entries(?) what ya think?? Is that weird and unorthodox or what? Well I am a visual learner :-)
Peace from Camel-Land x x x
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Saturday, July 15, 2006
That Mysterious Force
Peace from the depths of my heart, mind and soul :-)
I'm feeling a little bit better and think I have recovered myself somewhat ;-) Although a day after popping the request for people not to tell me how "sickly yellow" I am looking - I decided to go to the local Asian dress store where they sell fabrics.. and yep - the bloke in his 40s served me enquiring alongside: do I work, if so what job.. when I told him I'm a teacher - he assumed like most folk do; that I teach kids, and then added "no wonder you look so weak!"
I think the next time someone says something along similar lines I will either:
- tell them something equally patronising about their appearance
or most likely
- I'll start crying
..because my folks brought me up to never argue with people and never to answer back as that equates to being rude and impolite. Thus I am conditioned to remain silent and smile along. Yeah man - it's OK just ask me all those questions, as if you have a right to know(?) !
What gives people the right to enquire into other peoples' life like that? Am I just some piece of lost property?
Mind you I certainly feel that way.
Property of God Alone -
But lost on this planet.
Since Wednesdays' episode I have been thinking lots. It dawned upon me earlier today that what is actually happening is akin to being stripped off what one believes they are about. All the things that make one identifiable with the world. Or the things which allow one to create ones' own world - the rug continues to be pulled beneath my feet and I am helpless.
I often think about what I used to have and what I have now.
When my physical health overwhealms me - I forget the young woman in her thirties who had developed secondary cancer a year after being treated for breast cancer. Her lovely smiles, warm hug and the 3 children she left behind when she departed this world a few months after our visit.
When I think about the prospects of employment - my pain doesn't allow me to comprehend that I taught Career Skills to adults. I also forget that I was working in what I termed "my dream job".
When I think about how low my confidence has plunged - I forget standing in front of the class and teaching in many parts of this city for over five years. I also forget that I taught one client Self-Esteem Management and how she had a lot to offer those around her.
When I look at the financial implications of these 17 months - I am unable to remember that Tranquilart was set up as Non-Profit Making and successfully raised a good few thousands.
When my sadness overcomes me - I forget that I have met so many people with Schizophrenia and taught them several courses. Women with post-natal depression, men recovering from bereavement, those who had their first psychotic episode as teenagers, those who became depressed whilst in prison.
When I think about moving on from this phase - it scares me; and I forget the days I used to mentor young adults and how I told them how many great opportunities await them in this world.
I forget all this.
Perhaps so that we are reminded not to have pride in these things, which afterall, are God-sent Blessings.
Perhaps it is through being stripped of this good fortune that Man can come to realise the magnitude of God Almighty and His Attributes?
Perhaps by not having the good life in the apparent Seen world we are being prepared for the future tasks in the Seen world?
Perhaps I should accept now?
And stop fighting back?
I am no fool - I cant fight what is Greater than I.
So is it just best to let things happen?
Perhaps this is the road to Submission?
Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam x
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Wednesday, July 12, 2006
As She Became Weaker
raising her head towards the Heavans.
She was about to ask a question;
a call for an answer.
But she felt very reluctant: How dare she.
"How dare I ask You;
Your Glorious Majesty fills all there is to be known.
How dare I ask You;
Your Might and Power rule all domains in every world.
How dare I ask You;
Your Mercy descends upon the ground which kiss my feet.
You are the Most Kind,
Source of All Peace.
The kind of Peace which will yield my yearnings complete.
The kind beyond which there is no other.
And here I sit?
Looking upwards -
Don't I feel shame in asking?
What caused me to lose my sight so sharp and clear?
What blurred my vision of the Unseen?
'But I can't see the Unseen' -
I hear a voice in defence somewhere from the corner of my soul.
'How am I meant to know this is happening for my own good?
I am only,
but able to see the Seen
and nothing more -
nothing less.' "
Defending herself, she regained the courage to ask.
The Rose -
"The Rose I was taught about -
how many moons have past me since being told.
Has it really been that long that I have waited?
'So why not wait a little longer'
that voice comes again.
'Why suddenly this impatience?
Why not stay immersed in this ambience a little while more?'
She absorbs what she is told:
"Surely if the Rose exists then it will be symbolised as roses are:
it will hide itself in the midst of thorns.
It will be thrown from the Heavans.
The Gift of The Lord;
Soft petals idealising no more chaos.
'Is that not what ye seeketh?' comes the voice.
"And it's sweet fragrance will revitalise my senses so I am once again reminded about my celestial existence.
One glance at it will reassure me how perfect is Your handiwork,
Oh my Master."
She was suddenly very numb.
Her thinking had changed.
Don't ask right yet.
No Daughter of Adam, don't ask right yet.
"Perhaps the weakness I feel is not defined as an impairment in the language that angels converse in?
Perhaps the weakness I so loathe is the Key to my Heavenly bliss?
Perhaps the weakness which has made my life it's permanent abode is not more than a transitional period -
was I not taught that nothing is forever -
Nothing except the Face of my Lord Most High?
Just wait Daughter of Adam.
Please just wait."
* I have had a very upsetting day today, well in the Seen world it has been a sad day. Earlier this week when I went to the Doc I asked for a blood test as I have been feeling extremely tired despite napping. I went in this morn for the test and unfortunately we had very little success finding the veins again. The nurse tried the first arm as gently as possible because I get very tense and fearful of needley-things and the needle misbehaved smearing the pillow (that my arm was resting on) with blood. So she tried the second arm and despite even using the smallest of needles to pierce in - she had no success. Unfortunately - the sensation was just too much for me and I became very nauseous, and I kinda passed-out.. so the poor nurse had to call the other nurse for assistance to get me onto the couch.. although I could faintly hear them I couldn't open my eye-lids or speak.. and I thought of many things.. of death too.
I was meant to get the train to see a Homeopath later in the morning, so luckily had packed some fruit with me. The nurses told me to eat all my fruit and then go straight home. They also said that they will re-arrange for the Doc to take my blood himself. So I texted the Homeopath and got the bus home. Mum made me some warm food and drink and I tucked into my bed wanting to lock myself away from everyone.
I just don't get it.
Does fate actually have a grudge against me?
I mean does it?
I have never felt so physically weak as I did so today in such a long long time. I also felt so embarrassed, like a naughty little kid who is careless at looking after herself.
As each day passes, I sit here thinking to myself: what on earth is going on? How much longer - it has been almost 17 months now. I try my best to do all the things to recover my health. But I find a force beyond my abilities - just there. Working against me. As if I am working against something. Something which is telling me to work towards abc, but when I start to work towards it, the force pushes me away.
I know I shouldn't be so negative and my whole aim this week was to get the write-up done that I mentioned in my last entry as a way of having more positive vibes around this cyber-spot. But I am here; so tired, restless, fatigued, sad and so confused. I hate complaining. I really do. I really really do - I know there are millions in the world who have not had the great fortune for a moment that I have had. But is there anywhere to go -
And indeed there is nowhere to flee -
Except unto Thee.
So anyone who bumps into me, please I plead with thee - please please don't remind me how sickly yellow I look. Please please don't ask me how long my sick-note is.
*I wrote the 'original' for this a couple of hours ago in my personal journal as a way of putting on paper my thoughts so I could clear the mind-bank which has been appearing a little cluttered. And yes, it helped :') although I continue to feel confused.
Today I felt a Great Force controlling things and I felt so little, tiny, microscopic. I pray I am on the Path to Submission in it's entirety.
Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam x
Politics Of Health
words continue here
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Camel-Land has been invaded by the Pink Friendly Hippo!
Alot of negative energy has gathered around; glooming our vision and making us the helpless recipients of a dooming grey cloud.
In order to bring some positive vibes to the lands, I sat back a month or so ago and wrote about a theory which I shall blog in days to come. I think some of you may recognise it as the next chapter from The Magic Wand Theory that Curly posed for last year. Others may consider it a waste of cyber-read. For the latter: it ain't for you lot alright!
I'm intending to blog more on the art in the upcoming weeks so keep glued to Tranquil Zone. I've just reloaded the Heart Warmer there and also some update on Cardiff.
In the meantime though, appears some folk in the world still don't know what being a Muslim is about - so here it is Reloaded:
BBC Feature: Faces Behind The Faith
Who and what is a Muslim?
Six very different Birmingham Muslims share their faith and tell us of their lives.
Muslims from Birmingham respond to 7/7.
Feature by New Media Producer Sarah Loat.
I did a Googly Search and found that the infamous Super-Six pic was on this Beebs locality with no acknowledgement! Hmmm...
Another great feature currently online is a photo-essay featuring a trio over here! By award-winning photographer Gideon Mendel.
Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam x