Saturday, July 29, 2006


Update From Camel-Land!

Salam and Salutations of Peace and Love from my heart, mind and soul :-)


Well, remember the fiasco with the bloodtest? Remind yourself.
I had my results come through and all is absolutely fine! Alhamdulila! Praise to God! So why am I still feeling tired then? Amazing eh..

I thought to myself - this just proves again that there is a Greater Force at work and that we are limited in what we know, and what we are allowed to know. If I am meant to feel tired - it doesn't matter how much poking investigations go on, we should expect that we may never know the cause.

This means that we can only try, and we should try - to find causes and cures for wellbeing.. but we should not concern ourself with the results of our efforts. Essentially it is our Creator who is looking after us, if He so wills He can extend or shorten the duration of our experiences: good and bad.


I had an interview for an alternative post at work.. no I didn't secure it. Due to 'employer loyalty' I can't say why I didn't get it. But we now have another mega big panel meeting in September.


This is getting real bad. And I just don't know how to address it. I know it will only get better through time and that hopefully it is best not to worry too much about it.. but more comments from people about my health and looking unwell are not helping! Actually, today our young friend did say I had tanned :-) So I was happy as that means I am NOT sickly yellow!

I know people are genuinely concerned about me but I don't think they are realising the adverse affects it is having on my sense of control on my life. I feel absolutely disempowered; guilty almost for not being the fit and healthy Bint-eh Adam they have seen in the past. I realise that many of these people have not seen me in ages and that they are my well-wishers - and that they are not doing anything 'morally wrong' in stating their observations to me
It makes me feel really awful, upset and sad.

And that I can't help.

I spoke to my mate Jules (I've mentioned her before somewhere - shes the crazy one who got me in touch with BBC and then ran off to Goa with the students!) and between us we kind of came up with a mechanism of responding.. which I hope to use the next time I am faced with having to justify myself for looking the way I do. You see, my big issue is that I don't see why I should justify myself to people when people make comments regards my frail being. Why should I?

It is from God Almighty.

And how much do I justify? Do I tell them that it has been several years since I last fasted as a result of my health? Actually, it has been that long I cannot even clearly remember the year I last fasted.. Do I tell them that I used to fast regularly come rain or shine on Monday and Thursdays when the fasts would close at 3.30am and open at 9pm?

Do I tell them how it feels to be cut off from focusing your energies in other directions and instead having to constantly worry about your health, energy levels and wellbeing.. for years? Or do I tell them how it feels like to tell all your colleagues that you don't fast at lunch time?

As I said, I know these are my well-wishers and not asking me to upset me. And I am sure this is another experience that I am supposed to learn something from: something about me: something about the world. But I am not coping too well in handling this situation - I just smile and get very embarrassed and have the 'paused' pose on my face as if I am a video being played and then suddenly a remote control presses the button down.


I have some final few pieces which are on sale. But I'm just thinking now, I don't even have the energy to blog them up - I may just do that before going away(?)


I have cleaned out my room and wow - there was sooooo much space under my bed once I re-arranged the things ;-) Ain't that just amazing? It took me a good few days to clean my room - but I did it. Do you remember the last time I had a through clean-out? That was a big saga :-/


Yes things are not too bad!

Peace & Prayers
Good Night x x

Bint-eh Adam

*artwork: Circles of Knowledge artwork on Sandalas: July 2006

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