Thursday, November 30, 2006
Forthcoming entries...
I know I have slowed down a little with the blogging..
Been waking up most of these nights with some pain in my right hand. It's not that bad - I guess I am very familiar to it by now. So been a little more limited with the writing. There are lots of things I want to blog about. Here are some things that have been on my mind -
The Noble Man From Zaytuna
... this has been on my mind since June...
Mourning my Career
...been thinking alot about this for some weeks now...
Paulo Coelho
...been on me mind since summer...
Us like a Chalice
...another one on my mind for ages...
I don't know how long it will be before I am able to get these entries done.
I pray they are live before we bid farewell to 2006 :-)
Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam
top picture credit: Zaytuna Institute
bottom picture credit: Every Object
Been waking up most of these nights with some pain in my right hand. It's not that bad - I guess I am very familiar to it by now. So been a little more limited with the writing. There are lots of things I want to blog about. Here are some things that have been on my mind -
The Noble Man From Zaytuna
... this has been on my mind since June...
Mourning my Career
...been thinking alot about this for some weeks now...
Paulo Coelho
...been on me mind since summer...
Us like a Chalice
...another one on my mind for ages...
I don't know how long it will be before I am able to get these entries done.
I pray they are live before we bid farewell to 2006 :-)
Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam
top picture credit: Zaytuna Institute
bottom picture credit: Every Object
words continue here
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Rain
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
I went out today. When I was done with my outing I walked towards the bus stop seeing the rain come down. I thought for a moment whether I should walk all the way home. It would take me about 35 minutes to get home or I could get the bus and be home in 5! Tough decision: Shall I? Shan't I? Shall I? Shan't I?
So I did! I put my wrapping scarf on top of my headscarf so my head doesn't get too wet and started walking. The rain was mild and not accompanied by the fierce wind or chill so I wasn't exactly battling the storm. Plus I need to walk to keep my joints exercised and as I don't go out everyday - I need to grab hold of the opportunity as and when it arises.
I dont know how to drive a car so I rely on my legs alongside public transport.
It was a pleasant walk despite being alongside a very long stretch of shops on a main road and at a time when many schoolkids were leaving school with their hand in their mums! As I walked I noticed people in their cars, and people with umbrellas. I don't carr
y an umbrella (as a child I loathed them - I used to carry it when I was working) and these days it is too difficult for me to keep my hand in an upright position as it puts undue strain on my elbow.I thought for a moment about the rain. And about what it must be like to hide away from the rain everytime it comes down. What must it be like to live a life where you have always avoided walking in the rain because you were afraid of getting wet? What if it never rains again? Would we then miss the rain? Global warming has already lead to erratic weather conditions.. how long has it been since I last made a snowman? Already now we see less snow than in the past.
I am not speaking of extreme weather conditions here. I am speaking of the gentle mixture we are presented and blessed by God Almighty. I am speaking of the drizzly spells that come down so gently.
I walked all the way home and thought about the angels which must be accompanying the raindrops. Hundreds and thousands of them.
I realised that the opportunity to be immersed in this angelic ambience should be honoured. Who knows how I feel tomorrow? Who knows the state of my being in days to come?
Sometimes we unduly keep ourselves away from things which pose no real harm or threat in life. I may not know why the raindrops fall - and quite frankly it is not my concern to know why they fall when they do: but I do have a decision to make. It is my choice to enjoy their company or reject their fall. And today I chose to be graced by their charm.
Peace and prayers
Bint-eh Adam
words continue here
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Why life starts at 30
Salam and greetings from the depths of my soul, heart and mind x x
Yep I is a 30 year old Scorpio - but one without a sting. The past decade it seems has taken the sting that existed, or at least suppressed it's ability to harm. So does that leave me as a vulnerable wrinkled 30 year old? For surely the 'sting' is for my protection against predators or other things not nice - or is it?
I kept worrying the weeks leading up to the grand big three oh - so much so that it came and was over before I knew it. Nightmares that I would wake to find my hair all white and would need to shop for anti-ageing cream; my skin would become flaky and fall apart - because I had entered that dreaded zone: The Big 3-0 ... what had I achieved? How would I ever confront the embarrassment that I was not a 20 something. At least being 29 gave a girl some hope of retaining her youth - but my - the Big 3-0 meant you were old. And old things were kept in the museums' archive. I mean, how would I introduce myself to others:
"Hi this is me and I'm 30!"
"Hi I'm 30!"
"Hi there - I'm 30 and I still live with mum and dad!"
I calm down.
Today I got the results from the rheumatologist - aah I didn't tell you guys did I... there was a cancellation at the clinic 4 weeks ago and I was called in to see the specialist. I had my bloods done again and also X-Rays. And today was my results day.
Alhamdulila, all is well.
All the immunological tests proved negative - I have no naughty anti-bodies. And thus once again Rheumatoid Arthritis is ruled out, as too is Lupus and other conditions. The X-Rays picked up something which lead to the conclusion that I have had a spell of arthritis which has now healed. When put in the context of my patternless pain profile the rheumatologist concluded that although everything was OK for now, that is only for now, and that our blood changes daily and there is no guarantee what lies ahead: be it next week, month or year. Nonetheless he was very reassuring and his gentle approach dictated to me that I should continue to live life and not give up. He asked me what I was doing these days, and shared with me experiences common in patients with arthritis, like the fact that most patients appear healthy-looking but are in chronic pain, and to not feel isolated - that I wasn't alone. A very human consultant I thought to myself. I pray this man is successful.
He asked me to see him after 12 months, adding that if I have any flare-ups of pain I should get my GP to get a referral to him ASAP!
Looking at the Heavans I realised that although so much has happened which has slowed my life down. Essentially I hit the Big 3-0 exactly when I should have hit it.
My health may not allow me to partake in certain activities: from fasting in Ramadan to using a PC mouse - but I have a healthy pair of lungs, liver, kidneys, and a heart which actively pumps my little blood cells around the body. I have senses which allow me to see, smell, touch, taste and listen with no aid.
I may be rock-bottom of the career-ladder today, claiming dole-money, but I have worked in the jobs that I wanted to, in places where I felt meaning for work. I have been fortunate enough to do the vocation which utilised my skills and gave me the opportunities to develop new ones.
I have little confidence in meeting many new people and attending large gatherings or socials, but I have met so many people from various vocational fields: from barristers to doctors to admin workers to curators to journalists to receptionists to teachers to cleaners to youth workers and beyond. I have taught people from a multitude of backgrounds: from refugees to Year 9 students to teenagers to retired OAPs to those sunk in depression.
In the midst of meeting so many people, God Almighty has sent my way many many individuals who are my friends - although life never introduced us as so.
It may appear that at 3-0 I have a bank balance not quite so great, but at 3-0 I know I have much wealth in my life. I may not be the proud owner of a house or car but at least I know that I have performed my Hajj and my obligation is over. At least I was given the opportunity to attend the Rihla and study with the Islamic worlds' leading giants. At least I have raised in the thousands for Tranquilart when it was a non-profit project. I have come to realise how God Almighty really does Provide, how we are His fine handiwork, and how He has written down everything in measure.
I no longer have the shame of having hit the Big 3-0 :-) as I come to believe that God Almighty gave me the unique opportunity to do things I never knew I could do. I know I will never really know why 'this' happened and what was the reason for it. But I recognise that it was 'this' that made me discover so many things and see life in a way I hadn't seen before.
One of the things that I began was my reading after having stopped my leisure reading after the age of 16. I obviously read for college and uni and then my teaching course - but I didn't read for pleasure, for finding out, for opening my mind. In March 2005 I re-started my reading revolution by picking up the gift I had at my 28th birthday - The Alchemist By Paulo Coelho. The only other book I had read for non-academic reasons was The Autobiography of Malcolm X at the age of 19.
I don't have children but in these, almost 2 years - I have spent so much time with little people it is unbelievable. Curly understands my hands hurt and she has recently been able to recognise how aunty gets so tired. "You must rest or you will get tired, cos you been out all day!" shouts my darling 4 year old. Having spent so much time with these little fellas [her brother was born a week before I got sick] I have come to realise so much about human beings. I feel really blessed and so special that God Almighty has given me the opportunity to channel my maternal instincts through these mediums. To be able to put food into their mouth with my hands; read books at bedtime; have painting fun; bake fairy cakes; play all the childhood games I played with my siblings and friends; to skip, jump, run and shout; to sing the songs and move, clap my hands and see the cheer on their faces - why shouldn't I feel special?
I may not experience motherhood for as long as God Almighty so wishes, but I feel exhilerated at His Favour to have recieved these opportunities at a time when many women generally enter motherhood. I know I have not experienced pregnancy, labour and nursing the child - but I feel like screaming out to the world how lucky I am to have a Creator taking care of my needs!
Society puts alot of pressure upon us to achieve; certain things are deemed important and the lack of others are signs that you are a successful person. I know it is hard for us to confidently tell the world that we want to do something different or we live a life which is not quite so orthodox. It's as if we have to live a standard life entailing having certain things at certain ages. I know that many people who will meet me will think that I have achieved very little in life - but that is only because they are defining success in terms that hold worth for them. I will not be able to tick off the boxes on their checklists - and I am glad I can accept that. I am glad I don't live the life of orthodoxy: it reminds me that my Creator has created everything in perfect form and so individually.
As I conclude this disjointed entry - I realise once again that the path ahead is long and possibly even scary. I am still without a clear-cut diagnosis and this is something I must accept; as if God Almighty just wanted to cut me off from the life I was living. I know that this will always be with me and that it is up to me to control myself whenever the frustrating question: 'why' will confront me. Hopefully this will all encourage my understanding of the concept of 'submission'.
But I also know that God Almighty will leave me signs and cues, for me to pick up and carry on moving towards my destiny. So although I may be a vulnerable sting-less scorpio, I know that God is Refuge.
I pray that God Almighty blesses us all to live in contentment - for what we are, what we have had, and we shall do tomorrow - is by His Decree Alone.
I think I sound very Coelhoee tonight: I've been reading what my dearest one gave me for my Big 3-0!
Peace and Prayers
Bint-eh Adam
x
Yep I is a 30 year old Scorpio - but one without a sting. The past decade it seems has taken the sting that existed, or at least suppressed it's ability to harm. So does that leave me as a vulnerable wrinkled 30 year old? For surely the 'sting' is for my protection against predators or other things not nice - or is it?
I kept worrying the weeks leading up to the grand big three oh - so much so that it came and was over before I knew it. Nightmares that I would wake to find my hair all white and would need to shop for anti-ageing cream; my skin would become flaky and fall apart - because I had entered that dreaded zone: The Big 3-0 ... what had I achieved? How would I ever confront the embarrassment that I was not a 20 something. At least being 29 gave a girl some hope of retaining her youth - but my - the Big 3-0 meant you were old. And old things were kept in the museums' archive. I mean, how would I introduce myself to others:
"Hi this is me and I'm 30!"
"Hi I'm 30!"
"Hi there - I'm 30 and I still live with mum and dad!"
I calm down.
Today I got the results from the rheumatologist - aah I didn't tell you guys did I... there was a cancellation at the clinic 4 weeks ago and I was called in to see the specialist. I had my bloods done again and also X-Rays. And today was my results day.
Alhamdulila, all is well.
All the immunological tests proved negative - I have no naughty anti-bodies. And thus once again Rheumatoid Arthritis is ruled out, as too is Lupus and other conditions. The X-Rays picked up something which lead to the conclusion that I have had a spell of arthritis which has now healed. When put in the context of my patternless pain profile the rheumatologist concluded that although everything was OK for now, that is only for now, and that our blood changes daily and there is no guarantee what lies ahead: be it next week, month or year. Nonetheless he was very reassuring and his gentle approach dictated to me that I should continue to live life and not give up. He asked me what I was doing these days, and shared with me experiences common in patients with arthritis, like the fact that most patients appear healthy-looking but are in chronic pain, and to not feel isolated - that I wasn't alone. A very human consultant I thought to myself. I pray this man is successful.
He asked me to see him after 12 months, adding that if I have any flare-ups of pain I should get my GP to get a referral to him ASAP!
Looking at the Heavans I realised that although so much has happened which has slowed my life down. Essentially I hit the Big 3-0 exactly when I should have hit it.
My health may not allow me to partake in certain activities: from fasting in Ramadan to using a PC mouse - but I have a healthy pair of lungs, liver, kidneys, and a heart which actively pumps my little blood cells around the body. I have senses which allow me to see, smell, touch, taste and listen with no aid.
I may be rock-bottom of the career-ladder today, claiming dole-money, but I have worked in the jobs that I wanted to, in places where I felt meaning for work. I have been fortunate enough to do the vocation which utilised my skills and gave me the opportunities to develop new ones.
I have little confidence in meeting many new people and attending large gatherings or socials, but I have met so many people from various vocational fields: from barristers to doctors to admin workers to curators to journalists to receptionists to teachers to cleaners to youth workers and beyond. I have taught people from a multitude of backgrounds: from refugees to Year 9 students to teenagers to retired OAPs to those sunk in depression.
In the midst of meeting so many people, God Almighty has sent my way many many individuals who are my friends - although life never introduced us as so.
It may appear that at 3-0 I have a bank balance not quite so great, but at 3-0 I know I have much wealth in my life. I may not be the proud owner of a house or car but at least I know that I have performed my Hajj and my obligation is over. At least I was given the opportunity to attend the Rihla and study with the Islamic worlds' leading giants. At least I have raised in the thousands for Tranquilart when it was a non-profit project. I have come to realise how God Almighty really does Provide, how we are His fine handiwork, and how He has written down everything in measure.
I no longer have the shame of having hit the Big 3-0 :-) as I come to believe that God Almighty gave me the unique opportunity to do things I never knew I could do. I know I will never really know why 'this' happened and what was the reason for it. But I recognise that it was 'this' that made me discover so many things and see life in a way I hadn't seen before.
One of the things that I began was my reading after having stopped my leisure reading after the age of 16. I obviously read for college and uni and then my teaching course - but I didn't read for pleasure, for finding out, for opening my mind. In March 2005 I re-started my reading revolution by picking up the gift I had at my 28th birthday - The Alchemist By Paulo Coelho. The only other book I had read for non-academic reasons was The Autobiography of Malcolm X at the age of 19.
I don't have children but in these, almost 2 years - I have spent so much time with little people it is unbelievable. Curly understands my hands hurt and she has recently been able to recognise how aunty gets so tired. "You must rest or you will get tired, cos you been out all day!" shouts my darling 4 year old. Having spent so much time with these little fellas [her brother was born a week before I got sick] I have come to realise so much about human beings. I feel really blessed and so special that God Almighty has given me the opportunity to channel my maternal instincts through these mediums. To be able to put food into their mouth with my hands; read books at bedtime; have painting fun; bake fairy cakes; play all the childhood games I played with my siblings and friends; to skip, jump, run and shout; to sing the songs and move, clap my hands and see the cheer on their faces - why shouldn't I feel special?
I may not experience motherhood for as long as God Almighty so wishes, but I feel exhilerated at His Favour to have recieved these opportunities at a time when many women generally enter motherhood. I know I have not experienced pregnancy, labour and nursing the child - but I feel like screaming out to the world how lucky I am to have a Creator taking care of my needs!
Society puts alot of pressure upon us to achieve; certain things are deemed important and the lack of others are signs that you are a successful person. I know it is hard for us to confidently tell the world that we want to do something different or we live a life which is not quite so orthodox. It's as if we have to live a standard life entailing having certain things at certain ages. I know that many people who will meet me will think that I have achieved very little in life - but that is only because they are defining success in terms that hold worth for them. I will not be able to tick off the boxes on their checklists - and I am glad I can accept that. I am glad I don't live the life of orthodoxy: it reminds me that my Creator has created everything in perfect form and so individually.
As I conclude this disjointed entry - I realise once again that the path ahead is long and possibly even scary. I am still without a clear-cut diagnosis and this is something I must accept; as if God Almighty just wanted to cut me off from the life I was living. I know that this will always be with me and that it is up to me to control myself whenever the frustrating question: 'why' will confront me. Hopefully this will all encourage my understanding of the concept of 'submission'.
But I also know that God Almighty will leave me signs and cues, for me to pick up and carry on moving towards my destiny. So although I may be a vulnerable sting-less scorpio, I know that God is Refuge.
I pray that God Almighty blesses us all to live in contentment - for what we are, what we have had, and we shall do tomorrow - is by His Decree Alone.
I think I sound very Coelhoee tonight: I've been reading what my dearest one gave me for my Big 3-0!
Peace and Prayers
Bint-eh Adam
x
words continue here
