Saturday, July 15, 2006


That Mysterious Force

Salam folks,

Peace from the depths of my heart, mind and soul :-)

I'm feeling a little bit better and think I have recovered myself somewhat ;-) Although a day after popping the request for people not to tell me how "sickly yellow" I am looking - I decided to go to the local Asian dress store where they sell fabrics.. and yep - the bloke in his 40s served me enquiring alongside: do I work, if so what job.. when I told him I'm a teacher - he assumed like most folk do; that I teach kids, and then added "no wonder you look so weak!"


I think the next time someone says something along similar lines I will either:
- tell them something equally patronising about their appearance
or most likely
- I'll start crying

..because my folks brought me up to never argue with people and never to answer back as that equates to being rude and impolite. Thus I am conditioned to remain silent and smile along. Yeah man - it's OK just ask me all those questions, as if you have a right to know(?) !

What gives people the right to enquire into other peoples' life like that? Am I just some piece of lost property?

Mind you I certainly feel that way.

Property of God Alone -
But lost on this planet.

Since Wednesdays' episode I have been thinking lots. It dawned upon me earlier today that what is actually happening is akin to being stripped off what one believes they are about. All the things that make one identifiable with the world. Or the things which allow one to create ones' own world - the rug continues to be pulled beneath my feet and I am helpless.

I often think about what I used to have and what I have now.

When my physical health overwhealms me - I forget the young woman in her thirties who had developed secondary cancer a year after being treated for breast cancer. Her lovely smiles, warm hug and the 3 children she left behind when she departed this world a few months after our visit.

When I think about the prospects of employment - my pain doesn't allow me to comprehend that I taught Career Skills to adults. I also forget that I was working in what I termed "my dream job".
When I think about how low my confidence has plunged - I forget standing in front of the class and teaching in many parts of this city for over five years. I also forget that I taught one client Self-Esteem Management and how she had a lot to offer those around her.

When I look at the financial implications of these 17 months - I am unable to remember that Tranquilart was set up as Non-Profit Making and successfully raised a good few thousands.

When my sadness overcomes me - I forget that I have met so many people with Schizophrenia and taught them several courses. Women with post-natal depression, men recovering from bereavement, those who had their first psychotic episode as teenagers, those who became depressed whilst in prison.

When I think about moving on from this phase - it scares me; and I forget the days I used to mentor young adults and how I told them how many great opportunities await them in this world.

I forget all this.

Perhaps so that we are reminded not to have pride in these things, which afterall, are God-sent Blessings.

Perhaps it is through being stripped of this good fortune that Man can come to realise the magnitude of God Almighty and His Attributes?

Perhaps by not having the good life in the apparent Seen world we are being prepared for the future tasks in the Seen world?

Perhaps I should accept now?
And stop fighting back?

I am no fool - I cant fight what is Greater than I.
So is it just best to let things happen?

Perhaps this is the road to Submission?

Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam x
Innallaha ma'asabireen.

How can it be that your words are full of pain yet your art so full of beauty? :)

Don't let the insensitive amongst us hurt you. Many in this life have felt no pain and thus know not when they cause pain. They know not when it's appropriate to keep quiet - rather they talk on in meaningless conversation. Leave the strangers be...and pray that Allah (swt) will reward you for your silence and a smile :)

Thank you Bhaji-Jaani x x

Alhamdulila for the compliment. I guess it is that beauty which alows for one to deal with the pain? nai?

Thank you so much for the lovely nasiha x x x x x

I'm sure that bloke perhaps thought he was doing me a favour.. he may have thought I didn't look in the mirror before coming.. or that I'm a little kid who lives alone and is so busy that there is nobody to look after me?.. How many excuses do we make? Why is it that I am made to feel so small with these remarks? It has got to a point beyond acceptance now.

I know it sounds awful, but the truth is that I sometimes get very worried of bumping into aquaintances / old friends whom I haven't seen in a while - just in case they turn round and pass a comment about my 'frail' being :-/ What is even worse is when some people make a real 'Public' issue of it: I feel like crawling behind the nearest protruded object I can find. I am unable to attend gatherings and this is one reason why: folk have in the past made comments which have really not boosted my confidence.

Guys I love you all - but please it is very patronising. We all enjoy the ability and blessings of good health and fantastic wellbeing - who would knowingly put themselves into a position where they are cut off from all they love doing (due to not being well) - ?

I wrote in the Politics Of Health entry about inappropriate remarks regarding how people with health problems appear - please take a read.

And forgive me.
I know you care about me.
But the constant references to this sort of thing are NOT good for me.

Wasalam all x
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