Wednesday, July 12, 2006


As She Became Weaker

She sat,
raising her head towards the Heavans.


She was about to ask a question;
an inquiry;
a call for an answer.

But she felt very reluctant: How dare she.

"How dare I ask You;
Your Glorious Majesty fills all there is to be known.

How dare I ask You;
Your Might and Power rule all domains in every world.

How dare I ask You;
Your Mercy descends upon the ground which kiss my feet.

You are the Most Kind,
Most Loving,
Source of All Peace.

The kind of Peace which will yield my yearnings complete.
The kind beyond which there is no other.

And here I sit?
Looking upwards -
Don't I feel shame in asking?

What caused me to lose my sight so sharp and clear?

What blurred my vision of the Unseen?

'But I can't see the Unseen' -
I hear a voice in defence somewhere from the corner of my soul.

'How am I meant to know this is happening for my own good?
I am only,
but able to see the Seen
and nothing more -
nothing less.' "

Defending herself, she regained the courage to ask.

But stop,
wait -

The Rose -

Oh yes!
The Rose!

"The Rose I was taught about -
how many moons have past me since being told.
Has it really been that long that I have waited?

'So why not wait a little longer'
that voice comes again.

'Why suddenly this impatience?

Why not stay immersed in this ambience a little while more?'

She listens.

She absorbs what she is told:

"Surely if the Rose exists then it will be symbolised as roses are:
it will hide itself in the midst of thorns.

It will be thrown from the Heavans.

The Gift of The Lord;
Soft petals idealising no more chaos.

'Is that not what ye seeketh?' comes the voice.

She rises.

"And it's sweet fragrance will revitalise my senses so I am once again reminded about my celestial existence.

One glance at it will reassure me how perfect is Your handiwork,
Oh my Master."

She was suddenly very numb.

Her thinking had changed.


Just wait.

Don't ask right yet.

No Daughter of Adam, don't ask right yet.

Just wait.

"Perhaps the weakness I feel is not defined as an impairment in the language that angels converse in?

Perhaps the weakness I so loathe is the Key to my Heavenly bliss?

Perhaps the weakness which has made my life it's permanent abode is not more than a transitional period -

was I not taught that nothing is forever -

Nothing except the Face of my Lord Most High?

Just wait Daughter of Adam.

Please just wait."

* I have had a very upsetting day today, well in the Seen world it has been a sad day. Earlier this week when I went to the Doc I asked for a blood test as I have been feeling extremely tired despite napping. I went in this morn for the test and unfortunately we had very little success finding the veins again. The nurse tried the first arm as gently as possible because I get very tense and fearful of needley-things and the needle misbehaved smearing the pillow (that my arm was resting on) with blood. So she tried the second arm and despite even using the smallest of needles to pierce in - she had no success. Unfortunately - the sensation was just too much for me and I became very nauseous, and I kinda passed-out.. so the poor nurse had to call the other nurse for assistance to get me onto the couch.. although I could faintly hear them I couldn't open my eye-lids or speak.. and I thought of many things.. of death too.

I was meant to get the train to see a Homeopath later in the morning, so luckily had packed some fruit with me. The nurses told me to eat all my fruit and then go straight home. They also said that they will re-arrange for the Doc to take my blood himself. So I texted the Homeopath and got the bus home. Mum made me some warm food and drink and I tucked into my bed wanting to lock myself away from everyone.

I just don't get it.
Does fate actually have a grudge against me?
I mean does it?

I have never felt so physically weak as I did so today in such a long long time. I also felt so embarrassed, like a naughty little kid who is careless at looking after herself.
As each day passes, I sit here thinking to myself: what on earth is going on? How much longer - it has been almost 17 months now. I try my best to do all the things to recover my health. But I find a force beyond my abilities - just there. Working against me. As if I am working against something. Something which is telling me to work towards abc, but when I start to work towards it, the force pushes me away.

I know I shouldn't be so negative and my whole aim this week was to get the write-up done that I mentioned in my last entry as a way of having more positive vibes around this cyber-spot. But I am here; so tired, restless, fatigued, sad and so confused. I hate complaining. I really do. I really really do - I know there are millions in the world who have not had the great fortune for a moment that I have had. But is there anywhere to go -
Is there?

And indeed there is nowhere to flee -
Except unto Thee.

So anyone who bumps into me, please I plead with thee - please please don't remind me how sickly yellow I look. Please please don't ask me how long my sick-note is.

*I wrote the
'original' for this a couple of hours ago in my personal journal as a way of putting on paper my thoughts so I could clear the mind-bank which has been appearing a little cluttered. And yes, it helped :') although I continue to feel confused.

Today I felt a Great Force controlling things and I felt so little, tiny, microscopic. I pray I am on the Path to Submission in it's entirety.

Peace & Prayers

Bint-eh Adam x

Other Reads:
Politics Of Health


:') thank you
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