Friday, September 30, 2005


Dear Deidre... ;o)

I recently received an email from a beloved who seems to be rather perplexed about an issue at present. After reading her concern I realised how terribly common: I'd crossed that path not long ago. In fact truth be told I see that I am still crossing it!

So I hope she doesn't mind, I will submit her opening question here for I believe that it may benefit others, although the details of her email are not disclosed. It's right time we started to accept that we have common experiences which we share and that the human beings contain within them masses of information and experiential advise! Finally we should embody the Message of Brotherhood and Sisterhood upon which early Muslims based thier lives.

"None of you truly believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself."

A saying of the Messenger of God Almighty.

I was taught to look Heavanwards for it is only from there that the Rose is thrown. Pic by Bint-eh Adam.

"I have been thinking a lot lately about life and dreams. I wanted to ask you guys…does one dream, imagine and hope for things more when they are young?
Is it just an age thing do you think? Have you all gone through this? Or is it because I have too much time on my hands, I just sit and contemplate on these things? I just feel as if my life is at a standstill nowadays, its going nowehere and I have no idea how to turn that around!! I feel so useless."

OK so I have a handful of white hairs so that qualifies me for 'old age' and I guess the wrinkles and lines are not far from me either :-/

My other credentials include knowing a lot of OLD PEOPLE [some I dare say are in their 60s and 70s] so I guess Daughter of Adam feels quite confident to answer this question.

My own belief is that one needs to dream. Since you were kind to ask me, I shall give you what I have been blessed to have learnt:

Dreams are what keep human beings motivated to aspire towards attaining certain goals in their life. A goal is very individual; and differs from person to person. Similarly each individuals' goal will be encapsulated within time.

Therefore my goal at the moment may not be to establish myself as an artist, it may be to manage my pain. Another one of my goals may be to read a certain book.

These are obviously very simplified goals and one may hardly call them 'dreams' if they are not in the shoes of the person 'dreaming' - as I said our goals are very individualistic!

It is sad that nowadays we only like to associate the 'bigger' wants and desires as 'dreams'.

In reality all these little goals are in actual fact dreams, for behind them are hidden deeper motivations and ambitions, which will ultimately lead to a spirit feeling more fulfilled here on earth.

As I said earlier dreams are what keep us going. It is often said that those who have fell into 'insanity' no longer dream. In fact if one were to speak to those who have had depressive illnesses one would discover that when a 'depression' takes over the mind, one finds it difficult to want, hope or long for anything in life - one stops 'dreaming'.

So the fact that you, my beloved friend dream for things in life is a sign of a healthy you!

Of course one thing that Tradition teaches us against is extremism. And this also applies in the case of dreaming.

One should never forget the Reality of this world which is explained thoroughly in the Holy Text aswell as manifested beautifully in the Life of the Beloved of God Almighty (Alaislam). Furthermore it is also shown to us in the lives of Great Lovers of God who have lived before us aswell as those who are alive today and serve to live their lives and their dreams in equilibrium.

The understanding I took from the Quran was that we are shown a two-fold vision of life: On the one hand we are taught to 'work hard' in this life and enjoy the 'bounties of God'. And on the other hand we are taught about a fast-approaching next life. Thus ones' vision whilst dreaming and hoping for things should be acheived in this balanced approach to life.

In regards feeling "useless" my young friend you need to use the Energy you have in tasks which will inevitably lessen the useless feelings to a "useful" feeling. This can be done very easily. And one of the bestest ways is by "giving" - it is a proven fact [from my understanding of life] that those who 'give' succeed in battling their uselessness.

I shall give you a couple of exmples of where you could give:

1. School - yes believe it or not, most (primary) schools would love just 2 hours of help from an 'educated' person with good morals and manners. There is a chronic shortage of teachers in the UK at present and most schools have so much red tape that I wonder sometimes why they even bother putting displays up with blu-tak! You could very easily approach your local school and assist within the 'Reading Hour' or generally help the classroom teacher lighten her load. Wasn't it a teaching of the Prophet to help one another?

Don't forget that you have been fortunate to be amongst those adults who are literate and that there are thousands who cannot read or write in this world. It would be great to "put back" into the community a little of what you have.

2. Hospitals - a lot of young peoples' hospitals are always looking for volunteers. Some hospitals have Radio stations and others have other activity clubs which are always short of volunteers! Imagine making a childs' stay at hospital a little happier?

These are just two very quick examples I have come up with - but the worlds' your oyster! You could do anything you like!

And you must believe that. Almost every dream comes true - if you hold on that bit longer.

You could fly!!! .. if you really believed in yourself.

So in a nutshell:

step 1 - be happy for recognising your concerns
step 2 - our dreams keep us going - so never stop dreaming
step 3 - work towards acheiving a dream/reality balance: read the Quran and look into the lives of the exemplars of it
step 4 - volunteer 2-4 hours a week into a public organisation

Finally Remember that it is beyond our realm of control to put any dream into Reality. That is the Work of God - and for that you shall require Trust in Him.

Well my lovely I hope that helped you - I'm off to put some rollers in my hair and take my false teeth out of the cupboard as I need to eat :-D

God Bless
Wasalam, love and duas

Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam with a hint of Deidre ;-)

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Monday, September 26, 2005


Heart warmer with Man..

"My ship keeps on sailing" English Channel, August 2005 - Pic by Bint-eh Adam.

Original Contributions by myself and 'Little Friend Emma' here. The responses by 'Man' after the first one are by Emma :-) Thank you sugar plum!

Dear Heart,

Please speak to me.
I've noticed that you go numb on me when I try to do something to change my vision on life. Why can't I and you live in harmony? Why do you fear so much whenever I walk the Path towards God? Why can't we be friends and go together?


Dear Man,

It is not I who turned away; but you.

You were the one who forgot that you were created by the Divine.
You were the one who forgot that the angels were asked to prostrate before you.
You also forgot that you are a resident of Paradise and not this world.

It was you who chose to live in disharmony with me; I was pure until you thought you grew old enough to make your own decisions. I and you were friends in childhood. But it was you who broke this bond as when I asked you to utilise me to worship my Lord and yours, you ignored me.

So today when I decide to become numb on you, do you really blame me?


Oh, Heart!

You must be merciful with me.

I was arrogant and gave in to my ego-based desires. I ran here and there searching for wants and likes - and I forgot my needs.

I wasn't happy thereafter, I was miserable and I did not know why. So I went searching here and there for happiness; for love; for your Lord and mine...... and I even searched in the hearts of others, for you had gone numb, and it was still not satisfying.

I ran down several roads, and all came to dead ends.

I knocked on several doors, to find that they were only walls.

I climbed all those ladders to slip and fall back down. Why did you go numb?

When I needed you most, oh Heart, when I needed you most, you went numb. Be merciful and let me feel once more..?

Oh Man!

I went numb because I believed you didn't want to know me anymore.

Even I missed our great times during childhood. Even I missed us being surrounded by the angelic presence in your days of innocence.But as you grew, I found it more and more cumbersome to relate to you.

I tried - I really did, to warn you how I was feeling. All those times that I would sink right into you; it was my way of telling you that I was not happy. That I was missing the angelic presence which I knew was no longer with us as you wasted so much time avoiding their invitation.

Soon I gave up.

I thought to myself: perhaps this is the way things were meant to be.

Perhaps I and you were not meant to get on together after a certain stage of our lives?

Perhaps this is the state I would be presented on the Day of Gathering?

I became very bitter and upset at this. And vowed never again to work with you. And so it was that I isolated myself from you and left you to follow the road on your own.

Oh man, please don’t put me in a compromising position with my Lord. I beg thee.


Oh Heart!

How can you leave me unless I went completely cold?

But even then, the most chilled of men have warmed their eyes with your divine glance - how is this different? Are you playing with me your delightful game, for I know you would never abandon?

Oh heart!

My heart!

So close to me, you are my conscience!

If I forget you tucked up safe and sound, is it that when I return you will have disappeared?

If I fall fast alseep and dream of nonsense, is it that when I wake up I would be blind?

Oh heart! Silence doesn't scare away my tongue or batter my ears, so what is this you kidd me with?

Even a terrible child is not abandoned by their mother - is your love any different? Are you not my guardian to guide at Divine Will? And when a child reaches out to their mother, they only expect to be greeted with a free flow of blessed milk. If it is denied, won't they cry? And when the child grows, their milk cannot be abrubtly taken away - won't they fuss? They have to be weaned off carefully, and gently - do you think I am different?

Can you say you left me?

Aren't you here right now?
You have never left me and won't you stay?

Oh Man,

You are right I have never left you and never will, as I am present within you even through times when you have caused me much suffering that I may as well think myself dead.

And indeed I died a thousand deaths and you are the one who killed me so ruthlessly.

Every time you entered into a situation that went against my nature I was wounded and bled in pain.

Every time you sat in the company of those who spoke against my Lord and yours,’ an arrow pierced through me.

Every time you heard words which invoked the praise of vice I felt myself incapable of listening and deafened myself from your cries.

Every time your eyes repressed virtue, you blinded my sight.

Every time your tongue tasted the forbidden, my thirst to taste the sweetness of faith grew.

Every time you touched what you were asked not to, I started becoming numb.So that one day I became so hard that when you cried I felt no wetness from your tears; I heard not your pleading nor did I see the sincerity in your eyes.I became as distant from you as the stars from the earth; though visible from the land – you cannot reach out to hold them. Tell me why I should allow you to reach and hold me once more when you caused so much damage? Why can’t you carry on in your Path alone? Why suddenly do you need me?How, how could I ever trust you again?

Oh my faithful Heart!

You are always with me and if you were to die and my blood ceased to flow, I would die as well. And at the times that I have hurt you it was I who was better off dead than alive, and it was I who committed a thousand suicides.

Those arrows went through my chest before they ever reached you. And those wounds spat blood away from you and onto me - a gruesome mess!

And when your thirst for faith grew, was it not my thirst as well?

Then didn't I cry?

But my tears could not quench your thirst, and I did not know what you desired! My tears, they are nothing but salt - and that will not heal a wound! Yet I cry, and I cry more, won't you stop this crying?

Won't you reach back and wipe a thousand tears from my eyes so that I may let heal a thousand wounds?

Won't you bandage this bleeding slit, or will you leave it in the water to drain, to wither up and die?

If you are truly as distant as the stars, then I will carry you down to me. I will gather up these salty tears and you will shine in their reflection; then I will capture you!

I will conquer you once more - and can you resist?

Then I will dive into my puddle of tears, but since they are too shallow to be proper for diving I will hit my head! And won't then, oh heart, won't then will I see even more stars!

When I bang my head, won't I see those stars within my self, even deeper than my eyes?

That is when I will have you!

Then I will hold on to you, my heart - you will not escape!

And you can trust me not to let go. But if I do, then you do not have to reach out to catch me, for I will fall and land on my head - and behold! There you will be with those glittering stars!

How can a tripping fool like me carry on a path alone?

I will always fall and hit my head, and you will always have to be there.

To see you in a puddle I shall weep a thousand tears, and to see you in my self I shall fall a thousand feet.

My heart!

To die a thousand deaths, you have to live a thousand lives.

So I wonder, my heart, if I have hurt you so badly, so may times, why do you keep coming back?

Why would you come to back to life if you were better off dead?

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Another day out & a new look too :-)

The Goon that I am - I deleted this out! Soz comments also gone :(

Salam & Peace to all.

I went out today!

Yes, as strange as it sounds, I actually don't go out for more than an hour - for most part of the week. In fact if I tried my best I could count and round-off the number of days I have spent outdoors (for over an hour) every month. And it wouldn't be more than the number of fingers on both hands. For some months I am sure it would be sufficient to count the days on just one hand.

My cousin sisters were round for dinner last night; they told me they could count the days they were IN the house on their hands!

Strange. I could say that not long ago.

What's even strange is my current dress-sense!

I have been told off :-( That I look like a hippy, and someone whose no longer making an effort to look smart. OK so I'm not at work and can't be wearing my neat trousers with long tunics; everything so colour co-ordinated and crease-free (although I did ask myself: in society why do we have to wear ironed clothing? Who decides we iron our clothes? And why can't crease-free fabric be invented? In fact why can't wearing creased clothes be in fashion for once?) Mind you my views are heavily biased as I am not one who supports the iron.

If I had a choice between ironing clothes and cleaning the toilet - I would do the latter!

But even whilst we were at work, the motto was always to dress smart but casual. Not like a power freak! So a big no-no to suits - yuckety yuck! Suits and the like have an impact on peoples' psyche, and it was on this philosophy that myself and co-workers dressed in no-suits!

I think I'm coming towards the 'end' of the non-pain days that God Almighty blessed me with a few days ago: I could feel the coolness of the skin but a fire within it. The sensation of flaming heat coming from my hands - reminds me of the Friend of Allah who was placed into the Flames which went cool for him.

Bak to dress, I asked dad to get the coats dry-cleaned... It's getting cold :-/

Finally - a new look for the blog - and why not!!!

Often when we get used to things the way they are, we start to resent change, and that can put one in a difficult position if suddenly they are confronted with major change. Change is necessary for human growth to take place. It is also necessary for individuals to reflect on what their life priorities are and a time for re-assessing ones' hopes and fears. Without change our lives would 'plateau off' and we would become boring old so and so's!

Besides, these are the Tranquilart colours!

God Bless
Wasalam, love and duas

Peace & Prayers
Bint-eh Adam

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Washing the dishes I did!

Daughter of Adam doesn't usually show-off at the washing up she so irregularly does now - but today was a different day!


I say it's been an exciting new development in my little world here :-)

I'm currently enjoying the blissful days of "non-pain" as I complete a third day without wearing bandages for support. Such periods frequent me every other month. And I take great advantage of them.

I managed to wash more than 5 items from the kitchen in one go! My usual would be a cup, plate, spoon and possibly a knife..but I coped with the full kitchen sink earlier today! With the sunshine on my side and my bright zesty green outfit - I was in celebration mode!

I feel in awe at how every time I am blessed with these few days I totally forget the sensation of pain. It's almost as if there was no pain to start off with.

I think to myself: perhaps this is a reminder to me that essentially God is the One who gives and removes such circumstances. Perhaps it is a glimpse into the Power of the Greater Force which is present all the time; but just not noticeable by many of us?

I can't deny that it is a blessing and an insight indeed about Who is the Real Owner of all. It's a great gift from God Almighty - especially after having a migraine attack over the weekend which took over 24 hours to get my system back into harmony!

Peace & Prayers
Wasalam, Duas
Good Night

Bint-eh Adam
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Thursday, September 15, 2005


Days we'll remember all our lives..

Greetings of Peace,
Salam folks,

Daughter of Adam is not happy.

Today was one of those days that really made me want to scream out in the rain and want to crawl into the nearest hole.

Its two postal items now that I have managed to ‘lose’ in the Royal Mail pipeline – in just 3 weeks.

God Bless Royal Mail.

I rang the hospital, and after being passed between switchboard, appointments and Mr Consultants’ secretary – I was told that although my results of the various tests are ready – I can’t have access to them without My Consultant. So when can I see him?In five weeks is the earliest appointment.

God Bless the NHS.

I mean isn’t it in the best interest of the government to have young, energetic tax-payers out in employment – earning and paying taxes so that this Great country continues to bloom in the world economy? If the policy makers want a healthy workforce they will have to make it easier for people to recover.

Isn’t it only fair for me to be earning lots and lots of dosh so that every time I go out I spend and buy the ‘services’ of the various providers in society; hence keep a lot of people in jobs?

God Bless the Policy-makers.

I decided to go out today to watch a play about multiculturalism called ‘The Prayer Room’ at the Theatre. The last time I spent over an hour outdoors was about four days ago. I was running late and went to the wrong building. No latecomers allowed; so decided to roam round the city whilst my friend finished watching the play.

God Bless Time.

And now I am sitting in a room which looks like it’s been raided by 20 nursery children and a pile of clothes to sort which remind me of the after-effects of Christmas Sales.

God Bless Tiday-away skills.

Amazing I ask: Perhaps this is why the ‘sick’ are rewarded so much?

I don’t know. I just pray I’m worthy of the classification of those ‘near to God’ through this sickness.

I know I'm fortunate and have a roof over my head, food in my tummy and a warm place this cold evening. That's enough to be thankful for. Forget the post, the theatre, the NHS and shopping!

For the time being I’m becoming an Ostrich and hiding away.

Peace & Prayers.
Good Night & God Bless
Bint-eh Adam on a sad day

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005


I hit the big THREE OH this week!


Greetings of peace from the depths of my heart and joint :-)

Yes time has zoomed by - my 30th week off-sick!

Well what have I achieved then in these 7 months of sitting at home? Besides moaning and groaning and sleeping for England in an attempt to manage my pain…

Hmmm.. I’d say a trip to Tunisia and a picture with the old Bill on the beebs site’ is not something I got to do in my ‘healthy’ days eh? Neither did I imagine travelling at sea, reading like a book-worm or conquering my fear of (moving) water. I’ve had my fair share of insights these many months thanks to God Almighty so experiential learning gets the thumbs up from me-hee!

One of the greatest of fortunes I have been blessed with in the 30 weeks has been to share the same air-space and listen to the words of some of the most Beautiful Teachers this world has within it. Each a giant in knowledge and offering a gift to my state:

Shaykh Abdal Aziz Ahmed Fredericks
Shaykh Abdal-Hakim Murad (Timothy J Winter)
Shaykh Abdullah Noorudeen Durkee
Shaykh Ali Laraki Al Sharif Al Husaini
Shaykh Babikr Ahmed Babikr
Shaykh Hamza Yusuf Hanson
Hasan Le Gai Eaton
Haytham Tamim
Martin Lings (Abu Bakr Siraj Ad-Din)
Shaykh Muhammad Al-Yaqoubi
Shaykh Nuh Ha Mim Keller
Shaykh Sa'ad al-'Attas
Shaykh Muhammad Samir al-Nass
Imam Zaid Shakir

No doubt some of these people I saw for the first time which will be a sweet memory my spirit will cherish whenever I look back at this period in my life. And if I am unable to see them again, I know that that will be for a reason; as I was meant to be in their ‘presence’ when the time was ‘right’. There is enough I have captured in the few moments I heard and saw these individuals and others who I haven’t mentioned here. Thus I never fear not being able to get a ‘second glimpse’ as I feel one of the things these weeks have taught me is about the importance of ‘accepting’ without ‘questioning’. I have been very fortunate with what I have and for me that is enough.

I was also overwhelmed to have spoken to these inspirational people who taught me so much; some just by saying a sentence or two. Each word they spoke, each gesture has been therapeautic for Tranquilart:
Abdul-Lateef Whiteman (Ian Whiteman)
Abdul-Adheem Sanders (Peter Sanders)
Shems Friedlander

Hajja Noura Durkee
Saraji Umm Zaid

I truly believe that to be in the presence of such people helps ones’ state incredibly. My belief is that one shares more than just the ‘air-space’. Perhaps this is why the Departure of the Prophet of Mercy was taken so heavily by the earth; as he was a Mercy for the Universe?

Besides this great blessing and treasure I am also learning a lot about the world we live in. Looking into society, almost as an outsider, I have seen the many things we have - but don’t recognise exist; aswell as the many deficits in our communities which seldom get identified.

As a disabled person – yes I use that term not to exaggerate my condition – but to remind myself that my condition restricts me from doing many things I would be able to do without this condition. I have had an opportunity to experience what it feels like to be ‘cut off from society’. I feel many times our societies are apt only for a specific type of ‘able-bodied’ people to live in and partake of the fruits. I remember one of my early experiences wearing a sling and visiting the City Centre, I came home thinking: “The Citys’ a disabled persons’ worst nightmare!”

There are many things I would like to blog about but I fear each would become an essay-wide! Thus will endeavour to share some of the insights in the coming weeks.

However, I have learnt that it is the simplest of things in life that make the difference.

There are many people who have entered this world of mine in these 7 months. I have received texts, gifts and emails from people I have never met. Amazing I say, they have only known me as a “sick woman!” I wonder what it would have been like had I met these people prior to February? Would I still have felt the ‘closeness’ that I feel to them? Would I still have had the time to mention them in my prayers in the same way that I do today?

I laugh at how it came to be that during the start of my sickness, the people who I would have contacted were not ‘around’. More specificly one of my closest friends was on an extended holiday abroad and the second had her telephone disconnected and I had no mobile number or address to contact her on.

I think to myself:

Why when I needed the support of these people did fate ‘cut me off’ from them?

But then I guess if one starts to ask “why” there are a lot of “whys” my being is burning to ask:

Why did this happen?
Why did I have to resign my second job?
Why has it taken this long to recover?
Why couldn’t I launch my arts catalogue?
Why did I pack away my arts materials and decide to give up my Tranquilart project?
Why after just 6 months of being in the job I classified as my ‘dream job’ am I on long-term sick leave?
Why when I thought I knew what I was about do I feel the urge to question my existence on the planet?

Why have I been asked if someone hit me or if I’ve had a fall?
Why do the guys in City Centre ask me if I’d like to su my employers and claim compensation?
Why do I feel sometimes that it will be a long time before I am able to stand and deliver in front of a class again?

Why does society question the health of an ill person but not that of the other?
Why does society set time parameters on recovery and individuals not be allowed to recover naturally?
Why do people think that only other people can have a disability and not their loved ones?
Why do people love to feel sorry for me and give sympathy but find it cumbersome to feel empathic?
Why do I forget the existence of pain in the moments when I have no pain, and fail to remember these moments when pain comes back?

Why can’t we understand that life is passing us by so fast that shortly our eyes will close and we will no longer be in this earthly realm?

Why can’t man just accept that he is creation?

Why do I, despite all the odds that exist against me today, still have the ability to dream and desire to do so many wonderful things?
Why do I no longer bother fearing the bank account which is slowly decreasing?
Why do I not feel anger at my situation?
Why does it not bother me anymore if the roof came toppling down onto my head?

Why oh Lord of the Heavans and the Earth, Why has it taken me this long to realise that this was your Gift to me all along?

Peace & Prayers.
Goodnight & God Bless
Bint-eh Adam x
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